This year however...things were a little different. I see Valentine's through a different light now...I will never look at a heart in the same way again. Every time I see a heart now I think of my sweet girls and how they have stolen my heart (Matt too of course...love you ;). Anyhow, if there was ever a day to celebrate what we have been given it's Valentine's Day.
Kate was all on board with this idea. Abby slept through most of our party, but she was most certainly the guest of honor. We woke up to heart brownies for breakfast on a heart tablecloth with stuff to make Valentines all around us. Pink, red, and purple balloons littered the playroom and red sparkly hearts hung from the doorway. What a fun day indeed. I was woken up with a dozen beautiful hot pink roses and a box of chocolates. What a sweet hubby I have!
We spent the day pretty much doing whatever Kate wanted. This means that by the end of the day my house along with all three of us were covered with pink glitter, stickers, and hearts.
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| I had big plans for an adorable picture in their matching outfits...this was the best I could get! :) |
After all, I guess Valentine's day is a day to celebrate love. My love for these two sweet girls just consumes me sometimes. It's almost too much to take, and it brings me to tears.
It seems these days, that a lot of things bring me to tears...anger, grief, jealousy, love. I cry because I'm angry that this had to happen to my sweet girl. That she has to go through the surgeries, the pokes, the prods. It's the cliche, "It's not fair!" You know what...it's not fair though. It makes me MAD...the kind of mad where all I can see is red. The kind of mad that makes you want to scream at the top of your lungs! It makes me angry that Abby will be "used" to taking meds, going to see the doctor, and going to the hospital. I would rather have to drag her kicking and screaming like a child that doesn't know this reality. It makes me angry for Kate, that she will also know the reality of having a "sick" sister...that she will have to go see her in the hospital after her surgery, and know that kids actually do get sick.
I cry out of grief for the way I thought things would be. Every now again I allow myself to mourn the fact that our life will never be "normal." We always have to think ahead, and plan around doctor visits, medication times, and "viral seasons." Now I know many of you will say that I should be thankful that I have my sweet girl to worry about, and I am. I thank God numerous times a day for keeping her here with us. I don't know what I would do without her, and I would take this life with meds, surgeries, doctor appointments if given the choice as opposed to a life without her anyday. However, I am allowed to feel this feelings, and work through the curve ball we have been thrown.
I cry out of jealousy...sometimes I envy other families with their children. I envy the fact that they never have to think that they may live a day without their child. Yes...sometimes that thought crosses my mind, and it absolutely terrifies me! They walk around completely sheltered from these thoughts. I hope and pray that I never have to be without either of my sweet girls.
I cry about all of these things because of LOVE. I love these girls so much that I only want the best for them. I only want them to know no pain, never have to get stuck by a needle, have heart surgery, stay in the hospital, have their heart broken, or even a splinter for that matter. I love them with every ounce of my being...I've never known a love like this before. So while I work through all of these emotions (which I know will take awhile), I choose to focus on love. I choose to focus on what we have been given to get me through those hard and dark times, and sometimes have brownies for breakfast!
So while life may not "be fair"...it's ok because it's all WORTH IT!
Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You
By: Nancy Tillman
I wanted you more than you will ever know;
so I sent love to follow wherever you go.
It's high as you wish it. It's quick as an elf.
You'll never outgrow it...it stretches itself.
So climb any mountain...
climb up to the sky!
My love will find you.
My love can fly!
Make a big splash! Go out on a limb!
My love will find you. My love can swim!
It never gets lost, never fades, never ends...
if you're working...
or playing...
or sitting with friends.
You can dance til you're dizzy...
paint til you're blue...
There's no place, not one,
that my love can't find you.
And if someday you're lonely,
or someday you're sad,
or you strike out at baseball,
or think you've been bad...
just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair.
That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.
In the green of the grass...in the smell of the sea...
in the clouds floating by...at the top of a tree...
in the sound the crickets make at the end of the day...
"You are loved. You are loved. You are loved," They all say.
My love is so high, and so wide and so deep, it's always right there, even when you're asleep.
So hold your head high, and don't be afraid to march to the front of your own parade.
If you're still my small babe or you're all the way grown, my promise to you is you're never alone.
You're my angel, my darling, my star...and my love will find you, wherever you are!
